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Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Could it be the weather?

It is such a gloomy day and my mood is matching. I am feeling so sad today, thinking about the fact that I feel I am no closer to pregnancy. It is so funny how I spent most of my life being safe, cautious and at times just a downright prude to not have an unwanted pregnany and now that the right person has come into my life and we are ready to add to our family; nothing, kaput, zero, zilch, nada! Who knew the overwhelming mix of emotions that go along with trying to concieve and being unsuccessful at it. So many times I feel like such a failure that I can not give my husband the chance to be a father for the second time(first time with me). Then I have thoughts of anger, why not me,what have I done wrong or not done, would I not be a good mommy? Ultimately, I feel sad... I think of all the things I would give up in the future or trade in from the past just to be a mommy and how I feel that ultimately there is something or should I say someone missing from our lives. Then I get scared because I will be turning 35 in September and I am all to aware of what that means...my odds go down tremendously. So I am about a month away from making the dreaded phone call to my doctors office that after a year or more of frequent sex without birth control, we are still not pregnant. How did I go from being so excited to tell everyone that we are trying to almost hoping that no one asks us about it because it so disappointing to say that we are not. Of course I am always sooooo envious(and yes even a little jealous, I am human)when I hear of another friend or coworker or heck let's be honest, just about anyone at this point being pregnant. Gosh I sound evil...well I have one thought to leave you with: practice makes perfect...or at least that is what I am hoping for...as my BFF once told me when the time is right our baby will choose us :o)

4 comments:

DaniKel said...

Oh Steph. I hate it that you have to feel this kind of pain. I really hate it.

And I understand. Yes, we had Jarrod and Jayk, so the pain is not the same, and I know that. But I do know that jealousy, that anger, that enviousness(is that a word?) that you feel. And I hate it that you feel it. I pray everyday, that your dream comes sooner rather than later.

I believe with all of my heart and soul that you will be a Mommy.

I wish I had more encouraging words to say. You are human, and I think it will help to talk about how you feel. You know that I am here for you, whenever you need to talk about it, or anything else.

I wish you were here so I could hug you. A great big hug.

Stephers said...

Thank you for your encouraging words, I know that you know what I am going through, let's just hope that I get the happy ending that you have. I never knew that I could want something so much and I am very thankful for who and what I already have in my life, but there is nothing wrong with wanting a little more... 2B a mommy : o )I love you Danielle, you are the best!

AJ's mommy said...

Hey there... I found your blog from DaniKel... hope you don't mind if I follow. I know how frustrating the TTC wait can be. I wish you the best of luck and hope it happens soon!

Stephers said...

Thank you AJ's mommy, feel free to follow : )
I hope so too!!!